Stop Writing for Approval: Advice I’m Still Trying to Take

We are all guilty of writing for the approval of others. All of us. How many times have we received an assignment, contemplated our options, and chosen a perspective that aligns with the opinions of the teacher or the class? Let me give you an example. 

I attended Point Loma Nazarene University my freshman year. This is a religious private university set on the cliffs of San Diego; a stone’s throw away from the ocean. I thrived in the small community of 3,200 students on our 90 acre campus. Point Loma was my dream school, but one thing made me stand out – I wasn’t raised in a religious household. In fact, I had only the basest knowledge of Christianity. I could name a few books from the Bible, but I definitely could not quote a single verse. I was aware of the story of Jesus Christ, but I could not tell you who Job was. I’m sure you can imagine the pressure to fit in when every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning I would wander into chapel (a requirement to graduate) and be lost in a field of swaying students who were singing all the worship songs I had never heard. Additionally, I’m sure you can feel the anxiety I felt when first communion came around, and I legitimately had no idea what we were doing. 

All of this is to say: I attended a school out of my comfort zone, because I wanted to explore Christianity in a way I never had before. The community was extraordinarily positive, accepting, and exceptionally loving of all people, but that isn’t to say I didn’t hide, what I thought to be, my fraudulence. I never drew attention to the fact that I wasn’t a Christian. I told my roommate this, as I figured she would realize it eventually, and we stayed up all night discussing my beliefs and, quite honestly, why I was here if I wasn’t of the faith. I told another girl in my New Testament class that I wasn’t Christian when she politely asked my favorite verse, by which I didn’t have an answer. Aside from those two people freshman year, I hid my identity, and this reflected through my writing. 

In my First Year Experience course, the equivalent to your CLS, we were required to answer personal questions on the class discussion board. We had prompts about hard times in our lives or what we enjoyed most about college so far. Even though I did not share the faith with my fellow classmates, I found myself writing with terminology that I didn’t necessarily agree with. When writing about how my life, to this point, has been easy and free of major life events, I wrote that I felt “blessed” – a word I wasn’t comfortable with. I wrote about how glad I was that God came into my life and helped give me the courage to attend this school – but I didn’t fully believe it. I felt so much pressure from the community to be Christian that, even in essays between me and the teacher, I put up the front that I was one of them.  

After a full year at Point Loma, I felt so incredibly comfortable with the community and my peers/teachers. I came to love chapel, I loved so many people, and the teachers were beyond supportive. Sophomore year I “came out” to everyone that I wasn’t a Christian girl, but that I was interested. I started being authentic in my writing. I was honest about my spirituality, and this gave me courage to be honest about my other opinions too. I stopped writing for the teacher – I wrote for myself – and I felt free. 

Unfortunately, upon transferring to Cal Poly, I found myself close back up. The people here are different, and I didn’t have the community I needed to feel comfortable being authentic in my writing. I’ve found myself writing feminist critiques despite the subject boring me to death. I’ve avoided writing on topics that do inspire me, in favor of what I think the teacher would rather read. Every day, I try and remember that my writing is a reflection of me, so I let it be authentic. I stopped writing for approval. I remind myself every day that it is okay to write about my experiences as a white, spiritual (though not yet Christian), Trump-supporting, gun-owning woman, who doesn’t like guacamole but would kill for mac-and-cheese, isn’t a huge fan of dogs but loves chinchillas, and is terrified of fish… yes… fish. While I struggle every day to write for a community that doesn’t fully align with my beliefs, I remind myself that I’ll never find my community if I’m not authentic not only in my writing, but in my everyday interactions. We all deserve to feel free to write.